When you compliment my kids, please don’t tell them they’re cute. Don’t go on about how beautiful they are, or talk about Lou’s shiny blonde hair or Bug’s adorable brown curls. Don’t talk about Lou’s smile, or Doozer’s green eyes, or Bug’s sultry eyelashes.
Or if you do, make sure it’s infrequently.
My kids are gorgeous. They just are. No question. But I don’t want them to grow up hearing about it constantly. They absorb and internalize everything we say to them (and much that we say to others). Tell one of them that their somersault was very impressive, and all of a sudden I have three children somersaulting all over the floor, crying out, “Look at me, Mama! Isn’t my somersault great?” You get more of what you acknowledge, and especially more of what you praise.
I don’t want them to think their beauty comes from their outward appearance, but if that’s all they ever hear about it can be easy for them to grow up thinking so.
If you compliment my children (and please do!), try to compliment a virtue they’re currently exhibiting. Tell them they’re sweet, or helpful, or caring, or gentle, or kind, or patient, or joyful. I’ve been very conscious to notice these characteristics in their behavior and to label them in a praise. Consequently, I often hear one of the girls tell me, “Mommy, I’m being so helpful to Doozer!” as she holds his hand to assist him down the stairs. Or one will get a cup for the other who has mentioned her thirst, “I’m such a sweet girl!” When waiting in line, “We gotta be patient now.” I want them to learn that (well, not that their value comes from their behavior, their value comes from their Creator) these virtues are something to strive for, that they are valuable, moreso than beauty or cuteness. When they become teens I don’t want them to spend time brainstorming how to become more physically beautiful, I want them to collaborate on how to be kinder and more loving.
I also want them to know that youth and youthful beauty is to be enjoyed for a time, but kindness is beautiful whether one is five or eighty-five.
Posted on September 28th, 2007 by Dove
Filed under: Kids, Learning
Oh, if I could only pass this along to grandparents. After their visits, my daugher walks around asking me, “Do I look beautiful?” Because that’s all her grandmother says to her while she is in town.
I love your blog!