Dove in the Rock

I’ll get back to Matthew 18 soon, but here’s where I am right now, after reading a fabulous discussion on what forgiveness means, what it looks like, and how much of it is dependent upon the behavior of the other person. The article is well worth reading, pondering, and discussing.

Phillipians 2:13: “For it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure.”

I think I’ve determined what my role in my relationship with Mom is right now. It is to work on being ready to forgive. In order to be ready to forgive, I have to constantly battle the bitterness that I feel has built up in me over the last six months. I know it’s there because I feel sarcastic and venomous whenever I talk about her and her choices. Nowhere do I feel the sorrow over her sin or the deep abiding desire to see her repent, the way I felt when it all went down originally. Right now, I do not forgive because she has not repented, but I must work to always be ready to forgive at a moment’s notice, and continue to pray earnestly for her repentance.

This is going to be harder than I thought. Repentance and forgiveness lead to reconciliation. And to be perfectly honest, I do not want to be reconciled to her. I don’t. I dont want to ever know her new husband. (Do I have to require repentance from him before forgiving and reconciling with him, since I have never met him? I fully believe he sinned too in this marriage.) Sheesh, this gets convoluted.

So I guess this, God, is where I pray for you to will in me a forgiving attitude. This is where I take time to reflect on the magnitude of my own sins and undeservingness of Your perfect and eternal love and forgiveness, and consider how I could ever deny another human (another Christian!) forgiveness from my heart. As huge as her sin against me feels, it is a mere hundred denarii, when I owed a life’s worth to You, which you forgave. Please, please help me desire repentance and reconciliation, and help me to do it. I suppose my part is to follow through on the doing and trust You to fill in the wanting and the ability. Can you tell I’m reluctant there? Father, I truly do want to feel a desire for reconciliation with my mom, and deep in my heart I do know that I wish more than ever to be back where we were, Christian sisters. But there’s a sticking point named [her new husband]. Father, I’m going to need your help if I am ever going to love him. I just don’t know how I can do it. But if you can help Corrie ten Boom to shake hands with the cruelest of her former Nazi torturers, you can help me to be gracious and loving toward my mother’s new husband.

Or at least be ready to be so, should she (they?) ever repent.

Posted on October 3rd, 2007 by Dove
Filed under: Learning