Dove in the Rock

I actually finished my “Afghan of the Sandman” blanket mid-December but was too caught up in events to remember to post it. It was begun for nobody in particular, then when we found we were pregnant it was dedicated to the baby Peanut, then we miscarried and it was rededicated to Jay-Jay. At that point I began working on it in earnest, hoping to finish it before he came home. This blanket was completed in a record five months. Now it is in my closet, packed away with all my hopes for him. Kind of funny that I just happened to make this blanket in a child’s size rather than a newborn size, because if Jay-Jay does end up joining our family, by that time he too will be child-sized.

Click the picture to see detail

I accidentally used the worsted weight Caron Simply Soft on this blanket, but now that it’s done I love the weight. I was glad that I’d used a no-dye-lot yarn because at the last minute I had to go out and buy just one more skien to finish it. Because I’d used the wrong weight, all the measurements did not fit what the directions indicated, so I ended up just continuing it until it was about the length I wanted, then moving on to the border. It worked just fine.

I love it. So many hopes and sorrows and tears and prayers are woven into every stitch. Holding this blanket, laying it across my lap, snuggling it against my face, they all raise such a complicated soup of emotions within my heart. As beautiful as it is now in its just-completed state, I pray that someday I will see it matted and worn from many trips through the washing machine and much love from a small boy.

Update: I’ve done this again in white, then embellished it with ribbon to make it more feminine.

Posted on January 13th, 2008 by Dove
Filed under: Domestic Arts | 3 Comments »

Cylinders and Spheres on Stainless Steel, 2008

This is a toy they got for Christmas, they’re called Mag-Neatos. They are magnetic and the kids figured out pretty quickly that the pieces stick to the refrigerator as well as to each other. I think Doozer’s creation could be featured in the Museum of Modern Art, right alongside this prestigious work, as well as this one. Isn’t it a mom-thing to think your own kid’s scribbly expressions are better than the other kids‘ scribbly expressions?

Posted on January 12th, 2008 by Dove
Filed under: Kids | No Comments »

One of the constraints of writing on the internet is that I can’t take for granted the things you would already know about me if we were friends already. My words can be misconstrued, and I’d never know it if you didn’t comment about it. So if anything in my posts sounds grossly wrong or unChristian, give me the benefit of the doubt and shoot me an email. Or comment and kindly inquire.

Thus far the hardest part about moving in with my Dad has been the necessity of changing our family’s direction to include him. This may seem obvious, and it is, but it’s the little ways the decision plays out that can be hard. When we decided this, even before he was diagnosed, I knew that almost nothing was dearer to me than keeping my dad out of a hospice and with his family. He’s only 59 years old, freshly divorced, just lost a brother to suicide and has depressive tendencies. Then he was diagnosed with a terminal wasting disease. Any other option than moving him in with us was barely worth consideration. No way was I going to give over his eventual care and assistance to strangers paid to care for him physically but not spiritually.

Some of the requirements of this decision were obvious. We’d have to move to a bigger home, buy a wheelchair-accessible van, help him take care of insurance struggles and get his affairs in order, learn how to use various types of equipment and manage home nursing staff, and eventually incorporate his needs into every facet of our lives when he is fully physically dependent. We also want to fully include him as an integral member of our family, so that he is not facing this alone. Gotcha. No problem. Consider it done.

Some of the effects of this decision were more subtle. E and I are very “pro-kid” as I like to say, in that we want to parent lots of children. We were foster parents and hope to do that again. We adopted and hope to do that again. We birthed a child and hope to do that again. This is a very ingrained part of who we are. But because my dad’s disease has such a bleak and short prognosis, we have made the very difficult decision to declare something of a moratorium on adding kids to the family for the time being. It’s unofficial, as we practice FAM and no contraceptive is 100% effective (although I’m a huge fan of FAM, personally), and if we were to become pregnant we’d be incredibly thrilled. But when we look ahead to the level of care Dad is going to need, we recognize that it would be exponentially harder to care for him well with an infant and toddler in tow. Right now, the kids are almost 2, 3 and 4. They can follow directions, obey, go to the bathroom themselves and feed themselves with little assistance. (Well, most of the time.) This is a good trend, them physically needing me less as Dad physically needs me more. To continue adding children with abandon is to increase the physical demands on me, which I’m fully willing to do …except to the point that it decreases the quality of care I’m able to give my Dad.

Does that make sense? I’m back to the question we had when Dad was first diagnosed in the middle of our plans to adopt. Is it wisdom to recognize that we are young and can probably have more children later, and to put off doing so to better care for my father? Or is it denying God (not getting into the theological free will discussion) the chance to work more deeply in our lives through extra-challenging circumstances, knowing that suffering produces character (Rom 5:3-4 and Jas 1:2-4)? I mean, if you look at it that way, we’d all be seeking out suffering in order to refine our character, and I don’t know anyone that does that, not even Paul. He didn’t always shy away from the possibility of suffering for his actions, but he didn’t seek it out, either.

So that’s where we are now. No more kids while we’re taking care of Dad (unless CPS calls, but that falls under the same category of unexpected pregnancy: we’d be thrilled but we are not going to seek it out). This was an unforeseen conclusion of the choices we’ve made, and logically I still believe it’s the right choice. But my emotions are less easily convinced. I still want more kids. I still miss the babies my heart feels should be in my arms and my womb right now, but aren’t. I wish it were as easy as everyone suggests, “Well, you can always just try again!”

We want to. But we won’t. God help me to be content, and to perform well the work You have given me for now.

Posted on January 7th, 2008 by Dove
Filed under: ALS, Fostering/Adoption, Kids | 1 Comment »

One thing we’re sorry to leave behind at our house in town is the Carolina Wren. We used to enjoy watching them on our back porch, picking off insects and hopping around curiously. They also give a beautiful tea-kettle tea-kettle tea-kettle song. Hearing the distinct, loud song while indoors was rather like hearing the voice of a familiar friend. Now we miss the tiny, lively guys.

However, we’re comforted by the bird populations out here. The kids have picked up on Poppy’s and my interest in them, and they are learning to tip-toe toward the window instead of gallop when one of us sees a bird. We don’t hear them as well from inside the house, but there are plenty of windows so we can generally get a good view without disturbing them. Sometimes I can get decent pictures if they’re near enough to the house, but I may have to invest in some accessory lenses for my camera if I ever want to get really good shots of them.

Between the house and the bank of the pond we frequently get flocks of chubby meadowlarks, and further out we occasionally see migrating flocks of red-winged blackbirds settle on the banks to forage. There are a several pairs of mourning doves that are generally snuggling in a tree or on the power lines, and one beautiful set of inca doves that like to cuddle together on the ground.

The prize for most annoying goes to our pugilistic cardinal. Poppy says he’s been out here for years, with the same daily routine. He spends hours every morning attacking every window in our home. We assume he’s fighting off the cardinal in the reflection, but in the meantime he’s a fairly reliable alarm clock, starting right at 7:00 every morning.

Yesterday’s discovery was the Eastern Phoebe, a bird we’ve observed for weeks with interest but had a bit of trouble identifying. In the mornings, she likes to sit completely still on the edge of our pool and stare into it. She will sit motionless for several minutes, then dart into the pool and snatch up a cricket. She then returns to her previous spot to consume it. The Eastern Phoebe is among a group of birds called flycatchers, who are identified by this behavior.

I am almost disappointed that we finally identified the Eastern Phoebe and determined that the pretty doves on the ground were Inca doves and not juvenile mourning doves. The mystery of their identities was a fascinating study, and it leaves me eager to photograph and ID more local birds.

Each of the links in the above paragraphs goes to a site that gives identification tips for the species, and in some delightful instances, it also provides mp3 files of the various songs and calls of the birds too!

Posted on January 6th, 2008 by Dove
Filed under: Learning | 1 Comment »

Right now, my dad’s insurance company is investigating his claim for long-term disability income. He should qualify easily, but of course because it is a large amount of money, they are doing everything in their power to deny it. This claim amounts to about $36,000 a year, which will make a huge difference in how much difficulty we have in affording various expensive equipment (wheelchair-accessible van, lifts, ramps, power wheelchair options, etc.). Having this claim approved would be a massive sigh of relief for all of us here.

Friends, please be in prayer for our claim representative to research ALS well enough to understand that my dad does qualify, without question.

Posted on January 3rd, 2008 by Dove
Filed under: ALS | 2 Comments »