Sometimes I come across a passage in the Bible that just doesn’t make sense to me. I read, re-read, cross-reference, search my books, ask my husband, and particularly when it’s in the gospels, cry out, “How could Jesus have said that? What in the world does he mean?”
For as bright as I like to think I am, I sometimes forget that one does not know everything at the age of 25, even if I do have more kids than most of the moms in my church. I forget that sometimes the Bible is illuminated by experience, and then I get a flash of, “Ohhhhhhh!”
Luke 14: 26 “If anyone comes to Me, and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be My disciple.”
I’m coming upon the one-year anniversary of this verse’s illumination in my life. December 2006, over Christmas dinner at my aunt’s house, my three-months-divorced mother shyly said to me, “I have a friend I’d like you to meet sometime.”
As background, it is necessary to understand that my mother and I have historically enjoyed a super-close friendship. I never experienced the classic parent-hating phase so common to tweens and teens. Mom and I had so many of the same interests, we talked all the time, we agreed on so much, and she taught me to live my beliefs with conviction. (Looking back I realize that this friendship was probably quite unhealthy – the psychological term is “enmeshed” – at times, because now that I am a mother I recognize that there are subjects not suitable for discussion with your child.) We’d have minor disagreements but they were always resolved and forgotten quickly.
Now, my mom knew I did not agree with her divorcing my dad. I do not believe hers are Biblically-supported reasons, and she is a Christian so I do hold her to Biblical standards (especially given the closeness of our relationship). But she did it, telling me she just wanted to be happy by herself, with her dogs, and just settle back and be grandma to my kids, living life single. Now, she’s telling me she has “a friend” that she wants me to meet. (I discovered later that she had put up a profile on an online dating site before the divorce was final.) I briefly and kindly explained that the Bible does not allow for remarriage after divorce in her case. She disagreed and we exchanged several emails on the subject, which became increasingly angry and defensive on her part. In February I met with one of our church’s elders and his wife. They have known my family (and she has been close friends with my mom) for ten years. They were heartbroken to hear of her actions and decisions, and I had them read all my emails and hear my position. I begged them to test me and find where my attitude, position, tone, words, anything was wrong or even not as loving and Christian as it could or should be. Mostly I asked him what my relationship with her should look like if she responded as I prayed and hoped she would not: if she went ahead with what she wanted to do anyway. I asked, “What does it look like to ‘treat them as a Gentile and tax collector,’ as the Matthew 19 passage says? What does that look like when it’s your mom?”
A few weeks later, the poopy hit the fan. Mom called, said she wanted to come over to talk about it. I tried to lovingly explain what the Bible said, but she would hear none of it. “We’re engaged,” she said, “And if you’re going to tell me that I have to choose between you and him, then I choose him.” I told her that I could not support this, and that it would mean that our relationship would change. She became furious, screamed at me in front of the kids and stormed out of the house. She married him a month later.
And now I understand Jesus’ words. He speaks comparatively. He is not nullifying his command to love others, he’s not suggesting that we treat our families as if we hate them. He’s saying that compared to how much we love him, it should appear that we hate all others we love. It’s hyperbole.
I don’t think I would have understood this passage unless I’d been forced to choose between my mother and my Jesus. She is still incredibly hurt by my choice, and believes I’m one of those condescending, judgmental* Christians. She used to be like that, she says, but she knows better now, and she feels sorry for me. God is love, she says, God is not judging and all that.
But I disagree. God is love, yes. But God also requires obedience. God is judging. He is justice. And none of this contradicts. The whole reason Jesus had to die is because of this. Because God loved us, he wanted us to be with him, but because we had sinned and he is perfect and just, we could not be with him. We were eternally marked with our sins, and he could not have us with him. So he provided a way, through Jesus’ death, for us to come back to him without contradicting himself. Jesus’ death paid the debt for our sins and erased those marks, so that we are no longer sinful people coming to be with God, we are perfectly clean and pure people coming to be with God.
Am I grieved at the present state of my relationship with my mom? Oh yes, deeply. Do I hate my mother? No, not at all. I still love her very much. But if you ask her, she’d probably say I hate her. And I believe that’s exactly what Jesus meant.
I wonder how much more of the Bible I will understand if I have the privilege and blessing to live to the age of 80.
*Here’s my favorite explanation of the oh-so-common and incorrect usage of the verse, “Judge not, lest ye be judged.“
Posted on September 20th, 2007 by Dove
Filed under: Learning, Rants | 1 Comment »
